You wouldnt like me.

I swear i'm getting weak and thin, like a spider. I try to calm myself, try not to fall into a fortress that's not so conforting.

I feel like, I wouldn't like me, If I met me. I feel like, you wouldnt like me, if you met me. Don't you worry, there's still time. Don't you worry, there's still time. There's nothing to live for when i'm sleeping alone. And I wash the windows outside in hopes that the glare will bring you around.


I've never called myself a positive person and if i have i never really meant it. I feel like i'm losing who I am if i become an optimistic, fake piece of shit. I guess i'm half optimistic now, without being fake. Never insecure, never weak, never begging, never legitimately hating myself. Until now. I need to be mutilated. My brain is fucking fried.


I know I dont deserve what I have. But I need it.
I'm batshit crazy and I need to die pretty much, yeah.


Anyways, dont die in the floods k.




till next time,

Hey scientist.

Tell me scientist, what do great minds ponder upon at 5am in the morning?

I randomly think to myself as i start walking the neighbourhood at 5am. I hadn't slept all night, but i didnt want to. I liked watching the sky turn into the fresh morning that it is now. Today's gonna be a good day. I knew that before you (:
Maybe I am as they speak of, maybe I am a little bit...mental. I accidentally left the back door open, thank God no one else was roaming the neighbourhood at 5am. I washed yesterdays makeup off just before I went out the door, I love feeling that cold air on my fresh face. Still in yesterdays dress, wearing my boyfriend's hoodie (:
I dunno, just thought i'd share that with you. Well, I'm getting tired but I dont want to sleep. It's morning anyway, I was nocturnal for a night. Without going out to a party or anything. It feels good. At least I don't have school today. Well, I'm gonna go now. I don't wanna fall asleep, sleep is for people with a mind. I'll probably end up sleeping for an hour or two, meh. But I've never had a mind, remember? ;)



till next time,

These past four walls.

At around 2:31 am as she recalls. She sits herself down with a half done up dress, messy hair and a shiny face. In the middle of cleaning her room at such an odd time, She come across a big envelope file. She suspects she know what's in it. She opens it, pulls one of the colourful contents out. Her entire being becomes paralyzed for what seems like minutes. She slowly begin to cry dry tears of some sort. She places the first colour of the rainbow back into the envelope that is the cloud. She pulls out the next, and the next and She eventually takes all the colours out. As she analyzes a few, she cries. She never would have thought she meant anything to those colours. But then again maybe she doesn't. Like in a movie scene, she cries in her room, mascara making little rivers of black ash down her cheeks. At around 2:31 am as I recall. I sit myself down with a half done up dress, messy hair and a shiny face. In the middle of cleaning my room at such an odd time.

It Gets Better.

Okay, I know this is more a video thing. But i dont exactly want to do a video on this. I know it's also become kind of a thing for the LGBT community to do aswell but I just felt like I could do one, without relating to those matters. I am not about to come out to you, I am not gay (yes, "gay" is used for girls too -__- ). But this has nothing to do with that. I'm just here to say that it gets better. For a straight girl.

I was never really happy in my life. Never. Many people may not even believe that. They thought i probably was because of this persona that I would let take over me. But I never was. I definetely was bullied, at a school that claimed to be accepting and understanding. Bullied by a bunch of absolute, absolute hypocrites and close minded fucks. I would never fit in anywhere. I dont want to fit in anymore, because i'm a fucking wierdo (: but back then I wanted to, because I obviously wasnt comfortable with myself. I didnt even know who "myself" was. I had terrible friends. Friends that were obviously two faced, who didnt give a fuck about my opinion, or anything I had to say. I felt like a silenced woman among women. What the fuck aye. The school was so small, so ignorant so... religious. I bet they're all devastated now. I always raised my opinion, like I do today. I'm not a bitch about my opinion, like i've said before, there's a difference between being a bitch and giving an opinion. Some people were just too darn stupid and ignorant to even understand what I was talking about. The looks on these peoples faces just made me want to slice them in half and make them prettier. I never belonged there, that place i will never cherish. It was hell in a place of GOD.

You know how if, you're in a group of friends right, and there's always that person that everyone likes the least? Well, I guess I was that person. In grade 7, I had the shittest friends. I dont care if they were young and immature, they could act like friends to others but they couldnt do it to me. Fuck off with your "I was young" bullshit. Shut up! You're still the same people today. Nothings changed. I really really don't like you people, not JUST the people from grade 7 (: and I would say it in person. I just dont wanna talk to you. I swear everyone secretly hated me. No, this is not my narssisistic paranoia coming through. THEY DID. But I guess I had to accept it, I mean, I thought "well, I guess there's always that person who's like the least, and I guess its me this time". I shouldnt have to tell myself that! No one should! Then there were all these rumors about me, That I guess I did bring upon myself. But were entirely untrue and I couldnt even let people know that. I wouldnt be surprised if people still think that about me to this day. I mean of course they would, as if they would even have the nerve to talk to me or get to know me now.But nowadays, I dont give a FUCK (: I haven't always been the person I am today, so confident about myself. Knowing exactly who I am and how I think. It's a long, slow, painful process. You're gonna have to make alot of mistakes, to get to a few rights.
I had to learn that the hard way.


Alot of people don't know that I actually have suffered from depression. Real depression. Clinical medication prescribed depression. I've also been suspected of bi polar disorder, which I'm not, but whatever. You may think that sometimes. I was "that little annoying emo chick who's angry all the time". I'd get emo jokes, cutting jokes which is to be expected, I didn't really care.But i actually wanted to be dead. No joke. I would think about ways to kill myself. Like lie on the road all night and then in the morning i'd be dead. Or just cliche ways like drowning myself. I was 12 and 13. I would actually cut, not severly deep or anything, but it wasnt this pathetic little pussy thing either. It was real. I didnt tell anyone, only a close friend at the time. It wasnt something to show off about. To be honest, at the end of grade 7 was when I really began to form my own being. I had felt like I had gone through alot, and accomplished alot of bullshit. I was happy with myself, I finally knew who I really was. Really. I called my my year of self discovery. But eh, then 2008 came along and that was probably the shittest year of my life. 2009 was no better. They kind of went hand in hand.


Now i'm proud to say, I dont give a shit. Casually. I can say that and be completely sure about it now. Pleasing everyone is never going to happen. Life would be boring if everyone liked you anyway. I know that they're gonna remember my name, because they'll be screaming it later. But only for what they can get out of their wasted vocal chords. Which will probably be nothing from me. Much to their disappointment.


I know that life is only going to get even better from here, I've proven that to myself and others have proved that to me. I've realised that the only way for me to be happy was to get away from my old life. I fought it enough, and I was fucking done. I know it may seem weak of me to run away, but of course I was weak from all that. I couldnt do that shit anymore. I had to leave, its okay to be weak about something like that. I'm not a weak person though, because I did fight. You probably won't even know how hard. I cried almost every day. It's okay to run away sometimes. I didnt hurt anyone there, no one cared anyway. Even they know that they're better off without me and I fucking well know better then them that I dont even need them, and I realise now that I never did. Some places you just don't belong and you're glad about that because you dont want to belong there.
Shit happens. I guess I got through it. Now I know how fortunate I really am.
I just felt like you people were entitled to know this.


Eh, I probably have alot more to say. But I'll leave on this uncomfortable note.



I love my life (:


P.S - Just another one of the many reasons why I will always love this band. At the beginning of this year i listened to this song, and i believed it.

Weightless - All Time Low.


till next time,

seperate but equal?

I know this is kind of old, but I fucking hate Prop 8. Even though i'm not even American. I came across some Prop 8 propaganda and i was like... "What the actual fuck?" Obama says that gay people are given equal rights but not special rights. And by special rights he pretty much means marriage. So, I wanna ask this. Is marriage a special right for straight couples then? If you call it such a special thing then you're obviously not giving gay people equal rights because they can't experience what straight people can experience. This topic angers me to the capacity of my hairline. Like I said in my last blog. WE ARE ALL PEOPLE. Treat humans as humans. I don't care how cool Obama is, what he said was fucked up. Same with every other major politician in this English speaking world. And I dont want to be stereotypical and judgemental, those are my least favourite things to be and i try my absolute best not to be like that. But like i said, that doesnt mean that nothing pisses me off! Isn't it funny that it's usually religious people that have a propblem with homosexuality? That every politician pretty much declines gay marriage because of some religious discourse? Doesnt this just sound the same as the civil rights movement when blacks werent able to vote or even enter someones house through the front door? And the only jobs they ever had was to be a slave, servant or some kind of job that would only benefit anyone but themselves? Why can't people just see that gays and lesbians are only different by the sheer fact that they are attracted to the same sex. If religion never existed, I dont think this would be that much of a problem now would it? America is supposed to be a free country, is it not? Yet it is a "free" country dominated by the ideas of a conservative Christian view. "Oh, the freedom, yippee". Fuck off. They have no right to judge eachother. In their eyes, the only person who could judge was Christ himself and he did not. So why are these people thinking like this, why are they judging when they are in no position to judge? Proposition 8 says that gays are not losing any rights or privelidges because of no gay marriage. How aren't they? They are losing the right to marry as American citizens and as HUMANS. How can you be a free country when you take the rights away from one of YOUR people? Its like dehumanizing them because they are simply GAY. It shouldnt even be called GAY and STRAIGHT. There shouldnt be any different apart from people accepting that they like something other then they do themselves. Then it comes to this aswell, alot of those macho HOMOPHOBIC guys who think theyre so tough because they can degrade women yet they can hate homosexuals and still be seen as a good person, who the fuck do they think they are, and alot of those pretty preppy HOMOPHOBIC girls think that every lesbian girl is just gross and it going to hit on every girl they come in contact with. How close minded. What if that lesbian girl thinks you're ugly? How are you gonna feel then? Guys think that when girls kiss eachother its so hot and theres nothing wrong with it because its just like, so not gay at all and everything. But then when you mention the sole idea of boys being homosexual, not even guy on guy action, just gay attraction, they have a massive winge and talk about how gross it is and how wrong it is and how being a "real man" is so much better. What a fucked up double standard don't you think? So I leave you with this. In any country, in any soceity wether your friend, co-worker or client is gay, in any household wether your child, mother, father, sister, brother happens to be GAY. Just think about it, who am I to judge if even Christ himself did not? Who am I to judge if I am no different to you and do not like to be judged for my differences myself? Who am I to judge when at the end of the day, we are all the same. When we are stripped bare of our superficial lifestyles and aesthetics. We are all different, but we are all human.

I know this was kind of a random rant but it needed to be said.



till next time,

it's aimi bitch.

There are three things that you never call me; Judgemental, Ignorant and Immature. Or ugly, but that's a whole different topic (: I spent 10 days at a religious camp, which my family does every year. I'm supposed to enjoy it, but this time i didnt. I mean, hanging out with my friends was good but I missed my boyfriend too fucking much. There was also another thing, I got the rude awakening aboout religion. I had known it for a long time, but this camp just re enforced it for me. Religion to me is something that has no tolerance of self expression other than what religious people think is the 'norm'. It makes me sick. Growing up in an SDA family i was taught the ways of religion as i would have been. I have no resentment towards my mother though, only to religion. Religion is life controlling, you pretty much can't make decisions for yourself or express yourself aesthetically, verbally or even physically. So, you know, fuck that. They say come as you are, but they really mean come as you are if you meet this criteria. I have alot more to say but i dont know if your brain or my flicking fingers can take it. But i'll have you know that not all religious people are like that. Some are very open minded and accepting of different people, and i respect them. But, the thing is, the way that those "different" people are is still not "right" to them. But then again what is really right? Or normal? Or even good for that matter? Nothing is normal. There is no such thing as normal. Normal does not exist. Before i came to my senses about religion i was a rather judgemental person because i wasn't open minded. But now i am, i accept humans as humans and treat humans as humans, unless of course theyre dickheads but then there's the obvious. I have Muslim friends, Satanic friends, Athiest friends, Chrtistian friends, Wiccan friends. I respect their views and beliefs. I don't want to bash them with my ideas because they don't do it to me. Now, i sound all self righteous and shit but i'm just saying, reason number one for not calling me judgemental? Because i'm not. I have no right to judge anyone, i mean, look at the person I am. I'm not perfect, who am I to judge? I know for a fact that on the surface I come across as an intimidating nasty person, i may even seem up myself. But i love getting judgemental looks to be honest. Because I can't wait until those people get to know me if they ever do and become enlightened, yes, enlightened. I've wasted enough time trying to be what everyone wants, its their turn now. But even if they don't get to know me, its funny anyway. But hey, i'm not judging. There is a different between thoughtful mocking and judging. And a different between judging and having an opinion when it is open to be given. So don't give me any bullshit about being judgemental when i'm just giving an opinion. You're smart enough to know the difference aren't you? But we're all just the same inside. When it all comes down to it we're all the same no matter how different we are. We cry, we laugh, we hurt, we smile, we fall in love and we fall to pieces. The sight of your naked eye isnt even the mere surface of who we are.

I'm fifteen years old. But in my lifetime, i'd probably surprise you with how much i know or even how far my vocabulary stretches. Or my fucked up points of view for that matter. Or the fact that I actually know what i'm talking about half the time. Or that fact that I am very good at sarcasm. I'm smart, but not in the way you expect me to be. I'm open minded, but that doesnt mean that i dont get pissed off. I'm mature, but i'm fucking fifteen years old. Perhaps there's a different between my life and yours, perhaps i've been through more or less than you have, perhaps i sometimes have a valid point to make. Oh, but wait, i'm fifteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen. Yeah, i am. So? Geez if i were famous you'd take me seriously, just because my word aint out there. I don't like to fight, but i can put up a good one verbally, if you were to throw a punch at me i'd probably snap and die. My tongue is my weapon.

I'm blank to what i wanna say now, i'll probably winge about it in my next post.


till next time,

Jasey Rae - All Time Low.

Lights out,
I still hear the rain,
These images that fill my head,
Now keep my fingers from making mistakes,
Tell my voice what it takes,
To speak up,
Speak up,
and keep my conscience clean when I wake.

Don't make this easy,
I want you to mean it,
Jasey. (say you'll mean it)
You're dressed to kill,
I'm calling you out, (don't waste your time on me)

Now there's an aching in my back;
a stabbing pain that says I lack,
the common sense and confidence,
to bring an end to promises,
that I make in times of desperate conversation,
hoping my night could be better than theirs in the end.
Just say when.

Don't make this easy,
I want you to mean it,
Jasey. (say you'll mean it)
You're dressed to kill,
I'm calling you out, (don't waste your time on me)

I've never told a lie,
and that makes me a liar,
I've never made a bet,
but we gamble with desire,
I've never lit a match,
with intent to start a fire,
but recently the flames,
are getting out of control.
Call me a name,
Kill me with words,
Forget about me,
It's what I deserve,
I was your chance,
to get out of this town,
but I ditched the car,
and left you to,

Wait outside,
I hope the air will serve to remind you,
that my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath,
and my words are as timed as the beating in my chest.






till next time,