Okay, I know this is more a video thing. But i dont exactly want to do a video on this. I know it's also become kind of a thing for the LGBT community to do aswell but I just felt like I could do one, without relating to those matters. I am not about to come out to you, I am not gay (yes, "gay" is used for girls too -__- ). But this has nothing to do with that. I'm just here to say that it gets better. For a straight girl.
I was never really happy in my life. Never. Many people may not even believe that. They thought i probably was because of this persona that I would let take over me. But I never was. I definetely was bullied, at a school that claimed to be accepting and understanding. Bullied by a bunch of absolute, absolute hypocrites and close minded fucks. I would never fit in anywhere. I dont want to fit in anymore, because i'm a fucking wierdo (: but back then I wanted to, because I obviously wasnt comfortable with myself. I didnt even know who "myself" was. I had terrible friends. Friends that were obviously two faced, who didnt give a fuck about my opinion, or anything I had to say. I felt like a silenced woman among women. What the fuck aye. The school was so small, so ignorant so... religious. I bet they're all devastated now. I always raised my opinion, like I do today. I'm not a bitch about my opinion, like i've said before, there's a difference between being a bitch and giving an opinion. Some people were just too darn stupid and ignorant to even understand what I was talking about. The looks on these peoples faces just made me want to slice them in half and make them prettier. I never belonged there, that place i will never cherish. It was hell in a place of GOD.
You know how if, you're in a group of friends right, and there's always that person that everyone likes the least? Well, I guess I was that person. In grade 7, I had the shittest friends. I dont care if they were young and immature, they could act like friends to others but they couldnt do it to me. Fuck off with your "I was young" bullshit. Shut up! You're still the same people today. Nothings changed. I really really don't like you people, not JUST the people from grade 7 (: and I would say it in person. I just dont wanna talk to you. I swear everyone secretly hated me. No, this is not my narssisistic paranoia coming through. THEY DID. But I guess I had to accept it, I mean, I thought "well, I guess there's always that person who's like the least, and I guess its me this time". I shouldnt have to tell myself that! No one should! Then there were all these rumors about me, That I guess I did bring upon myself. But were entirely untrue and I couldnt even let people know that. I wouldnt be surprised if people still think that about me to this day. I mean of course they would, as if they would even have the nerve to talk to me or get to know me now.But nowadays, I dont give a FUCK (: I haven't always been the person I am today, so confident about myself. Knowing exactly who I am and how I think. It's a long, slow, painful process. You're gonna have to make alot of mistakes, to get to a few rights.
I had to learn that the hard way.
Alot of people don't know that I actually have suffered from depression. Real depression. Clinical medication prescribed depression. I've also been suspected of bi polar disorder, which I'm not, but whatever. You may think that sometimes. I was "that little annoying emo chick who's angry all the time". I'd get emo jokes, cutting jokes which is to be expected, I didn't really care.But i actually wanted to be dead. No joke. I would think about ways to kill myself. Like lie on the road all night and then in the morning i'd be dead. Or just cliche ways like drowning myself. I was 12 and 13. I would actually cut, not severly deep or anything, but it wasnt this pathetic little pussy thing either. It was real. I didnt tell anyone, only a close friend at the time. It wasnt something to show off about. To be honest, at the end of grade 7 was when I really began to form my own being. I had felt like I had gone through alot, and accomplished alot of bullshit. I was happy with myself, I finally knew who I really was. Really. I called my my year of self discovery. But eh, then 2008 came along and that was probably the shittest year of my life. 2009 was no better. They kind of went hand in hand.
Now i'm proud to say, I dont give a shit. Casually. I can say that and be completely sure about it now. Pleasing everyone is never going to happen. Life would be boring if everyone liked you anyway. I know that they're gonna remember my name, because they'll be screaming it later. But only for what they can get out of their wasted vocal chords. Which will probably be nothing from me. Much to their disappointment.
I know that life is only going to get even better from here, I've proven that to myself and others have proved that to me. I've realised that the only way for me to be happy was to get away from my old life. I fought it enough, and I was fucking done. I know it may seem weak of me to run away, but of course I was weak from all that. I couldnt do that shit anymore. I had to leave, its okay to be weak about something like that. I'm not a weak person though, because I did fight. You probably won't even know how hard. I cried almost every day. It's okay to run away sometimes. I didnt hurt anyone there, no one cared anyway. Even they know that they're better off without me and I fucking well know better then them that I dont even need them, and I realise now that I never did. Some places you just don't belong and you're glad about that because you dont want to belong there.
Shit happens. I guess I got through it. Now I know how fortunate I really am.
I just felt like you people were entitled to know this.
Eh, I probably have alot more to say. But I'll leave on this uncomfortable note.
I love my life (:
P.S - Just another one of the many reasons why I will always love this band. At the beginning of this year i listened to this song, and i believed it.
Weightless - All Time Low.
till next time,
